People...

So way back when when I let everyone and everything and every word effect me, life was rough.  I let others in too much and expected too much and relied too much on others and what they were or weren't to me effect me.  Then I convinced myself that I'm good.  I am good to be who I am and want to be.  And now, I'm resorting back?  That can't be right.

Lately I have taken everything to heart.  I have everyone's comments running around in my head.  I am feeling guilty for all the decisions that I make, I feel like I don't know anything that's really important, I feel like I'm nieve and ignorant to the world around me, and I am feeling small again.  I can see myself doing it. I can see myself falling and being crushed by those around me.  I do I feel belittled.  I feel like I don't know 'me'.  But the thing is is that I do.

I was really happy starting off this new adventure.  And don't get me wrong I still am... really happy.  But now that my time is spent differently, I have a much clearer mind to think.  A lot of thinking.  And I realized that there is a lot that I just don't know.  I keep making these brilliant plans of what I want to do with my life just to question them later.  My goals and choices are being questioned and I have no answers.  I am being questioned and I have no answers.  I am not quite sure what all that means, but I am wondering if I really know any answers.  Like what makes me tick?  What is it that gets me going?

What am I doing...

I have to stop worrying about other people.  I will not resort to the way I used to be.

I refuse to.

Currently On a Clear Night By Missy Higgins see related

The fine line between holding on and letting go...

It's days like today where i want to let go and foget it all... imagine that nothing ever happened... pretend it means nothing and never want to speak to em again.

But then I can't help but think about it... just a little.  Aren't you supposed to hold on and learn from it?  If I choose to forget it then am i not doomed to repeat it?  I just wish that i always felt the way i do right now... at this minute.  I know i write about it so i REMEMBER IT... but I will feel stupid about all of this two days later.  Right now i don't want to care about him at all.  He's not worth it because i'm not worth it to him.  Not even so much as to care as each other as friends.  I do things for him and that's it... easy homework help.  This is so highschool with a big college twist. I am so ready for NEW.

I am so ready to start running in the other direction.  It's not thi'm running away from any of my problems, I just want to run to something new.  I will take all the regreat and guilt and horror stories with me but i will no longer dwell on them or let them affect my day.  This has all molded me into some sort of warpped version of myself and I'm ready to start changing and rearranging.  I want to focus on the things that make me happy.  The things that make me smile.  The people who are there and make me laugh and support me and aren't a shadow or a gloomy cloud lingering around.  I don't want to cringe at their sight i want to smile and extend open arms... I love my girls... and so many of my other amazing friends.

So I got this message from my dad the other day and he talked about if you dream it go do it.  and it made me cry.  for once i don't feel bad about not persuing what i've started out persuing.  I am going to finnish ths and finnish strong and then spread my wings and do something I want to do.  Something that makes me tear up cause i get so excited about the opportunity.  Now that i'm leaving the RA thing so many things are calling my name and for once i'm going to start listening.  This is monumental right now.  I know I keep telling people that it is... that this is a wonderful life change for me and it's so true... life is changing drastically. No one will ever know how much i need this right now.  It's so close. 

I've made the jump a long time ago and i've been falling into place.... now i'm just ready to finally land.

Today is one of those days where I realize a lot of things.

1) It is a very good thing to be self-sufficient... I can take myself to find a doctor that is open on a Sunday and pick up my own things to help make me better.

2) That it's fine, a.ok, wonderful, etc. to be single cause I will never let myself down because I can always be there for me, make sure I'm well, and I pretty much always know what I am thinking.

3) I hate being sick on a weekend that is supposed to be really really productive... and I hate being sick when I am on duty too.... now I'm just stressed.

Yeah that's all... for now.

C'est la vie

I love that phrase.

C'est la vie.

It sucks too...

So she was right.  You know you are always right, well for the most part.  I can't do this over and over and over.  I can't tell you how many times I have said never again.  I am all about what I can't have and it ends up hurting and it's all my fault.  It's this sense of false hope I guess.  Something to wish for even though you know it's simply a wish. 
There were just so many times where I really thought I was the something different.  That just maybe it would be something different.  Nothing permanent nothing too serious, just something different.  And yes, I know that what ever it is is way different and not what I have with anyone else.  It just sucks that it's not given back.  And the worst part is that they are both right.
She told me that you can't let it go farther then you already think it is.  Don't let him do that to you because you know that that is not what you need or want.  There is something better. 
He told me we couldn't ever take it there because we both know it wouldn't be good.  He told me hypothetically if we were to be doing anything that we both know it wouldn't be good for me.
And they are right, but the thing is is that I HATE IT.  Don't tell me what I need and what I don't need. (not you girl... I know you are just looking out for me)  Don't tell me that it's going to go this way or that.  If you thought about it or feel it why is it so hard to just do it.  Just freaking do it already.  Joking like that.  And acting like that.  Looking at me like that.  Touching me like that.  None of it makes ANY of it better.  At all. 

It only makes it worse when I see you turn around and do it to someone else.  

I will never be a number, except number one.

The bad part is is that I can never talk about it.  I can't just cut it off.  I just have to get over it.

C'est la vie.

yeah...story of my life.

It's about time..

It's about time for this freaking semester to be over....

I am burning out!!!!!!!!